When Your Partner Stonewalls You, What Will You Do?
You can give it whatever name you’d like. It’s been called the silent treatment, ignoring, the cold shoulder, or stonewalling. It happens at work with co-workers or in romantic relationships when a person refuses to discuss vital issues or concerns. They give short one-word answers, tune you out, act like you aren’t there, change the subject, or even walk out of a room when you when you walk in just avoid having hard conversations.
It can be particularly discouraging and stressful when it happens with the one you love. Many relationship professionals note stonewalling as a significant factor to divorce.
If stonewalling is a problem in your relationship, the solution is to change the way you communicate. Try these strategies for responding to and comprehending a mate who stonewalls in your relationship.
Comprehending Stonewalling
There can be many factors behind stonewalling, even when external behaviors look the same. You can respond in an effective manner when you know the cause of why said behavior is taking place.
Give these techniques a try to identify the cause:
1. Take a look into their past. Your companion may be protecting themselves because they are overwhelmed with emotions. Stonewalling you may just be a defense mechanism used to not get hurt. This can be a result of patterns they created in childhood, if they were raised in a household where one’s feelings weren’t discussed, shut down, dismissed, or made fun of.
2. Recognize manipulation tactics. Your partner may be trying to control or punish you for something you did or said. Take a step back and ask yourself if you are being ignored as way to get you to give into their wants and needs. This is typical behavior of someone who wants to guilt you into doing what they want. If this is the case, take note of other indicators of abuse in your partnership.
3. Take a minute to cool down. A short and strategic time out can be advantageous. Know the difference between take a quick break to calm down a heated argument and prolonged stonewalling. Come back to resolve the situation with a cooler mindset so you maintain a healthy relationship and setting.
Responding to Stonewalling
While it’s natural to feel a bit resentful, and retaliate in your own way, you can make the circumstance worse than it already is and that doesn’t help in any way.
These alternatives are more likely to bring the results you are seeking:
1. Express empathy. While being iced out is unpleasant for you, keep in mind that your companion is suffering as well. Be delicate to their insecurities and reassure them of your love and commitment. They are more likely to let down their guard knowing they have your support and won’t be judged for their feelings.
2. Continue to engage with one another. If the distance is growing between you, it will help to close that gap by slowly reconnecting your bond. It may be in your best interest to set aside the current issue at hand and agree to visit it at a later date and time. This will allow you both the opportunity to focus on doing something you love, like taking a weekend getaway to regroup.
3. Make yourself available. Be supportive rather than passive aggressive. Let your partner know you’re available to speak when they are ready to address the situation. Be open to the fact that this can happen at any given time, so be flexible.
4. Don’t push them into conversation. Pushing them can most likely backfire and cause things to get worse. Resist the urge to make your mate talk about the issue and try not to yell at them out of frustration because it’s still unresolved.
5. Amp up your effective communication skills. Practice listing to one another, monitor your body language, and give feedback, so they know you understand the message they’re delivering during conversations, so they don’t get misconstrued. When you both strengthen your communication skills, you’re able to overcome differences quicker and with a better understand of who each of you are as a person.
6. Always offer forgiveness and grace. With the intent to heal from one issue to the next, you’ll need to forgive past grievances. Keep in mind that forgiveness helps you move forward just as much it does the other party involved. It doesn’t excuse their behavior in any way, it just releases you from carrying it with you like heavy boulders of past pain.
7. Take care of yourself first. A strained partnership can take a hefty toll on your physical and mental health. Be sure to get enough sleep, eat a balanced diet, and exercise regularly to maintain your overall health. Just because your relationship is struggling, doesn’t mean you have to also. Nine times out of ten, it’s temporary, so don’t sweat the small stuff.
8. Manage your stress and anxiety. Find ways to reduce or eliminate chronic tension. If you have frequent disagreements about parenting, make your priorities clear, then set ground rules accordingly. If finances are tight, cut back on expenses, or create a second income that you can do remotely from home.
9. Get a life coach. If you find you can’t solve the issue on your own, try bringing in someone who knows you both and won’t take sides either way. This may be a parent or grandparent, someone who has already been where you’re at and can give sound advice because they have your best interest at heart. You may also want to seek out a life-coach who specializes in what you are going through. You can also try a coupe’s support group, social media groups, or married friends and family. There are many alternatives you can try, just make sure it benefits you both.
10. Dissolve the relationship. If you discover that your relationship doesn’t meet your needs, it may be in your best interest to let it go. If there are other signs of abuse lingering around, this may be the only option you have. Concentrate on the beneficial lessons you discovered and focus on building a brighter future for yourself.
Stonewalling can make you feel helpless and isolated, but there’s always a way out of this type of behavior. As long as you and your partner are willing to put in the work and focus on how you relate to one another, you make be able to build a healthy relationship and reconnect on a stronger level. Communication is key here. Knowing how to communicate is the answer to most all issues because then no one feels misunderstood or judged. When you and your suppose know you’re in a safe place, there is no reason to ever use stonewalling as a defense mechanism.
To get more information about stonewalling, Click here to check out our course Walk Away From Abuse Without Losing Yourself.
